Run by Cool Whip model and local recluse PostmodernPopTart, this place has got everything… fallen cherubs, Pepsi angels, Bubble glam - it’s like that thing where you pop a bubble and glitter falls out. Very conceptual. Very new. They also have coke. Lot’s of it. 

New York’s hottest holiday club is Blitzen, and right now they’re having their 12 Days of Christmas dance party. It has everything: 12 jacked albinos, 11 Little Richards, 10 piercer babies, 9 Asian Balkis, 8 gay Aladdins, 7 psychos swearing, 6 Puerto Screechers, 5 homeless Elmos. 4 coked up frogs, 3 French hens, Taylor Negron, and a human parking cone…It’s that thing were two jacked midgets paint themselves orange and you have to parallel park between them.

New York’s hottest club is Slash. This place has everything: glass, steam, bear traps, and just when you think the fun is over, knock knock who’s there? It’s Black George Washington! All that, and a party room filled with human bathmats…It’s that thing like when midgets have dreadlocks and they lay faced down on the floor.

I have the perfect spot. New York’s hottest club is BOOOOOOOOOF. Located in an abandoned orphanage in the Lower East Side of Chelsea, this round-the-clock puke party is the creation of narcoleptic club owner Snoozan Lucci, and this place has everything: pugs, geezers, doo-wop groups, a wise old turtle that looks like Quincy Jones…and you’ll have your own When Harry Met Sally moment when you share a special kiss with Gizblow the Coked-Up Gremlin. I’ll have what she’s having.

New York’s hottest club is Wesh. Nine-year-old Tokyo pimp Ichiaku Guru is back with an all-new hot spot that answers the question What?!? This place has everything: trance, stilts, throw-up music, an albino that looks like Susan Powter, Teddy Graham people…It’s the thing, like when a guy has stumpy arms, but with the belly.

Don’t tell me what to do, Bill Hader. 

Don’t tell me what to do, Bill Hader.